One speck of angel dust at a time...

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

I Love Nancy!

Go Nancy, it's your birthday! So we knew it was coming. We had been waiting for it for weeks, tuning into Jeopardy like it's some sort of drama. Finally Ken lost! Poor Ken, I saw his little computer brain already finished calculating how much is wrong response cost him and he was looking dejected.

I had recieved a spoiler e-mail about the episode in the afternoon and skimmed it. I just knew that Ken was definitly going to lose tonight. During commercial breaks we looked over the e-mail again and realised that Ken was going to lose to a woman (bonus!), and we read further and saw that the correct question to the final answer was H&R Block, but Ken says FedEx.

When the commercials before final jeopardy were on Milla noticed that there was a FedEx commercial, and that just totally blew our minds. This was all set up! TV manipulated us, they knew Ken was going to answer FedEx, and there it was...a strategically placed FedEx commercial. Am I just propigating it by mentioning FedEx like 50 times in this post?

a*c at 8:59 p.m.

Cardio

Nothing like a brisk f'ing 40 minute walk in the morning in your f'ing 3 inch heels, carrying your f'ing 6 lb laptop. What a way to start off my mercury retrograde. hope everyone else has better luck. At least I got some cardio today.

a*c at 9:21 a.m.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Add this to your wishlist

Ken just sent me this link.

a*c at 2:44 p.m.

Weekend in Review

It's monday again. Now it's almost December, which means it's almost Christmas, which means it's almost my birthday too, I could go on and on and make my way through all of 2005 as well. Life is going by so quickly and from what I hear, it just gets quicker.

Ruby was kind enough to take me out on on a date on Friday. She took me to the theatre to see Jesus Christ Superstar. The singing was great and the show was great too, it was quite dramatic and strong (as is to be expected with the crucifixtion story!) I'm just constantly blow away by how cheesy theatre is. I had such a great time. Merci Ruby!

On Saturday Milla and I went out to the mall to mostly window shop. We drooled over many items in Sephora. Korres is my current favourite brand. We also picked up a present for our friends who just had a baby. In the evening we headed out to club district. Something we haven't done in a long time. It was nice to go out and shake our booties.

On Sunday we visted the baby. He was tres adorable and tiny and fresh. We also got to come home with tons a food, which should hold me over for the next few days.

a*c at 12:39 p.m.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Hooray!

I have a date tonight. With Ruby! She is taking me to see Jesus Christ Superstar!!!

a*c at 2:48 p.m.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

a*c at 9:52 a.m.

i have a bad feeling about this
qui-gon: i don't sense anything
obi-wan: it's not about the mission master, it's something elsewhere. elusive.

i had this sort of moment today while i was out at the mall job hunting. i was thinking, gee russ wroks around here. He could be lurking about. And I had a weird feeling that I could have even walked by him.

i tore myself away from a second episode of CSI to go to Tims and then visit Milla and Ruby. When I arrive home from watching Elimidate (it was way nutty!) I see a message from Russ. He did see me!!

I am very lonely with out the comments. i wish they would work :( I feel like i'm talking to myself.

p.s. i checked my jacket so I wouldn't look like a slob in my big parka.

a*c at 12:56 a.m.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

I Don't Know?

I've been messing aroudn with this template for a day or so now and I don't know how to get the comments to work. I had them for a second. Then they were gone. So I don't know. I'm taking a break and will try to figure it out again later tonight.

a*c at 11:16 a.m.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

It has arrived.

Almost two months after calling for changes and watching everyone else change their template it has finally arrived.

How is it? Can you see everything? I'm trying ot get the comments to work, so asking these questions may be useless.

a*c at 8:15 a.m.

New Diet

Now that the ice cream kick is over I'm on a new diet. It consists of, McD's, chocolate and cigarettes. I can't wait to go see my parents so I can get a proper chinese meal! Don't ask me what i'm doing up at 6am. I'm ashamed to say.

a*c at 7:18 a.m.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Dreams

I had a dream this morning about getting tickets to go see Jesus Christ Superstar. I had decided that I didn't have $60-$80 to spend on tickets and plus I don't think anyone else really wants to see it. But in my dream I was goign to the box office with Milla to buy tickets. I saw a high school person's sister in line first. I couldn't miss her cos of her huge ass forehead. I had just seen her in the mall last week when Junky was buying her new broach (in real life). I paused to whisper to Milla who that girl was, while I was whispering I saw Fish and another high school friend waiting in line. They said hello and let us join them. They were almost up to the window. When we got there Milla and I decided that we didn't have the money to see Jesus Christ Superstar so we backed up but then the lady told us that it would be $35 anyways becuase she had printed out our tickets. Fish and the other person had left by now and Milla and I said that there was no way we were goign to pay that and left the theatre. Then I woke up.

a*c at 10:31 a.m.

Filling the Void

This morning I continued to fill my emotional void with food. High fat foods are the name of the game--to fill the emptiness. I went down to grab the free McGriddle that Milla had give me and they had me fill out the still testing question sheet. The question was 24-(5+2). I had to look at the question a few times becuase the + kept on switching to a -. So I wanted to make sure I got it right. Milla was right it was 17.

On my way down to McD's I pass this ghetto pharmacy. I've only dropped in there once to buy advil when I was super sick and didn't want to go anywhere further. They usually have a sign advertising the specials. But the sign had been turned around and on it was pasted a tinynews paper clipping. In really huge black letters it said SPECIAL CHINESE MEDICINE: MAKES DICK VERY HARD. It was obviously a bad prank. I was mortified for the pharmacy owners but I also started thinking. For a culture that is as sexually repressed as the Chinese we sure have a lot of sex potions. And there are a lot of Chinese people on earth. Look how over populated China is. We must be having sex, and a lot of it! And that was my early morning thought.

a*c at 9:48 a.m.

Warped and obsessive

I will continue with the subject of how warped I am, Mr. Dodgeball finally appeared today in the form of a phone call. He had an explination for being AWOL this weekend but it didn't cover enough holes to stop me from thinking that I'm being relegated. I'm still wary. I know part of the wariness is a defense tactic, I do like him and I don't want to be rejected again. But it is also because I know better now. And I hope my wariness has nothing to do with the fact that Douchebag has been around and has been attentive. I refuse to be fooled by his trickery again. Like I said before fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me a thrid time i'm just stupid. I don't even know what time this is anymore, so I will not be stupid this time.

I was thinking today and I realised that although I adore Douchebag, he and I don't want the same things and we don't have the same goals. Therefore I have to extract him from that pedestal and let him fend for himself amoungst the others in my life. Luckily I had those crane analogies floating around from earlier this week. Mr. Dodgeball's short dissapearance made me realise that maybe I was going into this with too many walls up. I actually like him and he seems to be pretty nice for the most part, so I can maybe lower the defenses a little. Just a little! And even if I am being relegated by him, I now have a better sense of what to do with these new rules that I'm playing with.

This weekend's lesson: don't stress out too much about the things that probably don't matter that much, but if you have to be obessive, try and learn from your obsessiveness (so that you will have new things to obsess about or imagine it...learn how to not obsess at all!).

a*c at 2:29 a.m.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

I scream, you scream, we all scream...for anti depressants?

According to Junky's binder my craving for ice cream means that i'm am seeking an antidepressant. I thought the fact that I was off the wagon was enough anti depressant enough but apparently not. I was trying not to laught at myself while I was coming home from McDonalds. I ate my McFlurrey even though I knew I was using it as a substitute. I thought knowing was supposed to be half the battle?

a*c at 9:20 p.m.

Cursed!

I am cursed. I'm doomed to attract evil/strange/derranged men and repel the nice ones.

a*c at 3:28 a.m.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Bizzaro Land, Bizzaro Girl

I'm not really sure what is going on. I'm either having a Tom Cruise Vanilla Sky moment here or Douchebag has gone and injured his brain in some serious way. I am not complaining but I proceed with trepidation.

On the other hand the 'nice one', Mr.D has begun to act mysteriously. Actually I don't think he is being that mysterious. I've decided that I'm just warped. I'm only happy when something is going badly. Even if nothing is up I'll convince myself that something strange is going on. My only security is in uncertainty.

a*c at 2:06 a.m.

Friday, November 19, 2004

The Relegation Round

It seems as though I've been relegated into pool B by Mr. Dodgeball. I am quite familair with the signs and all of them are pointing to I just want to be friends.

a*c at 3:55 p.m.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Case of the Missing Sarong

I was lying on the sofa this morning and I finally found my sarong. A few days earlier I had felt like wearing it around the house and I tore the house apart in serach of it.

So here I was lying on the sofa with my head hanging off and I see it. I have been using it as a table cloth since my cousin came to visit. I sat up and said, "oh, there it is!"

Case closed.

a*c at 12:15 p.m.

Theme of the Day

I laid down for a nap and I woke up to this wierd ass noise, after dozing for a little longer my curiosity finally got the best of me and I looked outside and saw this giant crane outside. I have no idea what it was doing but I got some pictures.

Later on Milla and Ruby and I went out for a trip to the store, I picked up a Verve DVD and we saw a giant crane behind city hall. When we got home and put the DVD on we saw cranes at the end of Lucky Man video, so Milla and I decided that cranes were our theme for the day. I forgot exactly what our analogy was but it had something to do with cranes being strong, self supportive, and how they rose above everything else.

I have to honestly say that some of these Verve videos are pretty bad. I mentioned to someone that I had bought the DVD and he started to tell me about the story behind Bittersweet Symphony (the legal issues) and I became insulted. He was tryign to educate me on one of my favourite bands? And I kept on finishing his sentences to tell him that I knew with out actually saying I KNOW! But he just kept on going. So before he even finished I was just said I had to go and blocked him from my list.

It reminds me of a time that I was taking the Vomit Comit (aka Yonge St. Bus) and this guy sat next to me and tried to pick me up. We were talking about baseball and he started to explain to me who Pete Rose was. I again was insulted that he would try to explain to me who Pete Rose was and what he did. When he finished his story I said, ya besides that betting thing he also broke the all time hits record and stood up and got off at the next stop.

I think I need to use the crane analogy and try to rise above been a snobby know it all.

a*c at 12:10 a.m.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

In Memory

I just read on Angry Asian Man's blog that Iris Chang commited suicide last week.

I was reading her book, The Chinese in America while I was on my trip in Thailand/Taiwan this summer and all summer long I kept on saying, "did you know that my people did this?", "did you know that my people did that?". I learned so much from her.

Her most popular book, The Rape of Nanking, brought so much attention to the incident which saw over 350,000 Chinese murdered by the Japanese in the Sino-Japanese Wars. We never learned about this stuff in high school, all we got was the holocaust, which was important because of it's massive impact on human rights in the Western world. This event recieved little recognition until her book came out. She wasn't just a writer/historian but a human rights activist as well,

A spokesman for Global Alliance for Preserving the History of World War Two in Asia, Ignatius Ding, says wey've lost "a really good warrior" who fought to bring attention to a subject that had been almost lost to history.

a*c at 4:25 p.m.

A Must Read

Please check out Epi's post here. V. well written.

a*c at 12:35 p.m.

A Man's Touch

Before y'all get too excited, this post is not about that sort of touch! Although we are all in need of that sometimes too. Mr. Dodgeball was home from his trip and I invited him to join Milla and Ruby and I for dinner last night. While he was here, not only did he fix my sink, he also fixed my desktop, my mouse, and hooked up my Xbox for me.

Now I am capable of doing all these things (okay the fixing of the desktop might have been hard, I have no idea what he did), but it was so nice to just have them done for me. The xbox has just been sitting there unused for quite sometime now and I was too lazy to hook it up again. My TV (which only gets 2 channels), is huge so instead of moving it, I do some wierd yoga move to get behind it and I need a 2nd party to tell me if they 1, see anything, 2, hear anything and 3, see and hear stuff at the same time. Usually Milla aids me, but yesterday Mr. Dodgeball just lifted the tv and plugged the plugs in. Post dinner while we all enjoyed cigarettes, he fixed the faucet on the sink becuase he had heard me complaining to the ladies about how it didn't work properly (not that I use the kitchen sink very often).

It was nice but strange at the same time, I stared at him like he was an alien from some planet where the male of the species is actually thoughtful. I had been working with these things all semi functional out of laziness and I just adapted to it. He just came along and fixed them without me asking. I like being (somewhat) self sufficient, but the occassional man's touch is really nice.

a*c at 11:50 a.m.

Fresh Brain, Gruesome Images

I woke up this morning in a place that had cable, so I flipped on CNN to see what was happening, first it's that FBI man who was on fire, then it was some troops in Falluja killing unarmed, injured Iraqis (in a Mosque no less!!!)! I don't know which was worse, CNN cutting off the video, or where they cut off the video. Before the shot the soldier says, "does he have a weapon?" and no one answers, then he says, "He's not dead I can still see him breathing. Yup, he's breathing. Then there is the gun shot and he concludes, "well he's dead now."

It was strange, maybe I had played too much Halo 2 the night before but it seemed like a video game to me, the way the soldiers were operating. They were disorganized like we are when we play on Live. And they mocked the dead dude like we do on Live. Except one thing, this isn't Xbox Live, it's real ppl. It was really jarring for me to see first thing in the morning, but at the same time I wanted to see it. I didn't want to be blind to the things that are happening in our world now. What a way to start to the day, watch some FBI informant light himself on fire in front of the White House, and then watch AMERICAN troops murder injured folks.

a*c at 9:30 a.m.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Nice Shoes!

I had a really nice Sunday with Milla yesterday. We went to go visit her friend B. We cruised Hazleton Lanes for a bit. Later on we went to go visit these people who looked incredibly familiar to me, but I couldn't really place them. We sat down and started to talk and a lot of stuff that they said was really familiar, it was wierd, I felt like i was having deja vu. Then I asked Milla if maybe she had told me some of this stuff and she said yes. So I figured that must have been it. It wasn't until we were leaving and B picked up his jacket from off the floor and uncovered these white wedge heels. I thought gee, nice shoes, where have i seen them before. Then I remembered these people! I had seen the shoes before on our host's feet! I HAD met them before at the gallery! Hello???? Anybody home???

a*c at 10:17 a.m.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Rolling Stone

I went downstairs to grab some juice and possibly some food to help fend off my illness. I'm feeling a lot better than I was yesterday, but still taking it easy. I saw the cover of Rolling Stone and it was John Kerry. I don't know if RS did the interview in anticipation of him winning the election...like any sane person would think...but it seemed that it came too late. I almost didn't pick it up for fear that it would be weak (last week!), but there was also a Hunter S. Thompson article (was just watching Fear and Lothing yesterday) and that inticed me further.

The first big article was about the youth vote and how college-age voters have registered to vote in record numbers. On the sidebar it showed stats to some questions RS asked it's readers about the election. And of course RS readers are only a small representation of Americans but I believe that the mag has always been quite forward and in touch with american culture. RS said that 11 million readers responded. 53% were Democrats and 15% were Republican (vs. the nation's 35% D and 28% R) So the poll showed that:

- 78% of readers felt that the country was 'on the wrong track'.
-62.6% of readers felt that Bush's job performance was poor
-74% of them said that if the election were today (btwn the 1st and 2nd debate), they would vote Kerry.
-83.9% said that intelligence was the most important charachteristic

These stats just boggled me. Everytime I went on to a new category I asked: HOW? How???? How did Kerry lose? Did these young voters not turn up to vote? Did everyone lie about who they were voting for?

So i went on to the next article by the good Dr. Thompson and was was shocked to see him say that if Nixon were around today he would vote for him over Bush. That is how much he despises Bush. Favourite bits:

-did you see Bush on TV, trying to debate? Jesus, he talked like a donkey with no brains at all...I almost felt sorry for him, until I heard someone call him "Mister President," and then I felt ashamed.
-Richard Nixon looks like a flaming liberal today, compared to a golem like GW.
-Four more years of GW will be like four more years of syphilis
-on himself and Kerry in 1972: we were angry and righteous in those days, and there were millions of us. We kicked two chief executives out of the White House becuase they were stupid warmongers...which wise ppl said was impossible.

The following piece was the cover story on Kerry. I was dissapointed by the lack of photos, there is one huge one of him standing alone on a cell phone, him all casual during the interview in khakis and New Balance runners, and then one more of him in 1971 with John Lennon. I went into the piece with my defenses up, even tho Kerry was the more appealing candidate he is still a politician. The article painted him as really articulate, smart, and as just an average guy. A very good spin, although too late. I did find him a little bit calculating and he didn't really have too many bad things to say (which always makes me skeptical, it is always the easiest to say the bad things). He had a lot of ideas but who knows if he would have really implemented them. It seemed that he would already be taking on a huge plate, and then he would add more to it? I would have liked to see it.

sorry for this long boring post. I'm sick and I have a choice btwn bowling or Rod Black doing an infomercial for World Vison on TV. So dont' blame me for reading instead!

a*c at 2:07 p.m.

Dr. Evil

I dont' know where to start. First of all I feel suspicious. I have always felt suspicious of him. When Junky asked me what he did I described it and she said that for all I know he could be Dr. Evil and that is how his nickname came about. He was really nice, but something about him gave me the creeps. It could have been his eagerness to welcome me to his life, or the fact that he always seemed kind of shady. The other night when I had the talk with him he told me that he thinks that there is something on his computer that he recieved from my computer that monitors IM conversations.

HOW CONVIENT!

Yeah right. My computer didn't send it to him, he probabaly sent it to me. i was skeptical of using his internet on Mac cos who knows what he could have done with the connections. I am a nerd but I know there are lots of things with computers that I don't know about. So when I gave him the it's not you it's me talk he left me with a message that told me to look for some .exe thing on my computers and get rid of them. I am further convinced that he is reading my things because he called himself an unloveable super villain. who would call themselves that unless they knew that they were named Dr. Evil??

Anyhow, he is gone. Social experimentation over. I think my conduct was good. I give myself a A-, only because I should have said goodbye sooner.

a*c at 10:05 a.m.

Friday, November 12, 2004

highly productive

I have to start writing in capitals again because I've noticed that when I write i, I automatically just write in all lowercase like I do here. The biggest problem is when I'm editing and I miss i. I often just write it small now like I do on the blog but I've found that I have been missing i when I go to edit and the editing process just takes longer. Damn.

So it has been a productive few days. Things have been building up slowly to this, looking for jobs, training myself to get up at 7am, trying to eat more regular meals and attempting to give up (or at least cut back) on some bad habits. Yesterday the ball slowly started rolling. I spent most of the day restless and feeling like I didn't have anytying to do. This is the first time since I've been unemployed that I felt that way, so I cleaned and wrote. Later that evening I had a talk with Dr. Evil. Things were getting to serious on his end so I had to end things there.

Later that evening I was over at Milla and Ruby's hanging out and I came home to grab some snacks and I saw the call display flashing. What's this? A call? Nobody calls me on my home line anymore. i really just use it to call my parents. I checked it and I honestly thought I was hallucinating. It was Douchebag's number! Of course out of habit i'm already dialing his number before I realised it. Who knew I still remembered it. I listened to what he had to say and then I told him that I had to go do work. I was actually just going to go back to M & R's to watch Jeopardy. I would be the biggest liar in the world if I said I wasn't excited. I was elated but shocked at the same time. I was actually starting to come to terms with the fact that I was going to live my life without him. And I've been having a good time too! But still, against my better judgement I will see him.

Today I got up early again, did some writing, brought in my resume for a 'real' job and took care of a bunch of errands. Liam Neeson was on Regis and Kelly this morning (and looking fine!) I was reminded of Gangs of New York, which he is only in briefly but I was inspired and decided to wear my plaid pants out. A la Bill the Butcher. Now I've done so many things I feel like the day should be over. I'm very tempted to take a nap!

a*c at 5:33 p.m.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

submission

Just yesterday I was talking to Russ about how the SUBMIT button at the end of forms got a rise out of me. I was signing up for a newsletter and there it was. I resented being demanded to submit (even tho they meant transfer your data), and refused to send the form in. Power issues anyone?

But on the same topic, I just submitted my first short story submission to an Asian Canadian magazine. I had originally written the piece as a workshop exercise and it had been selected over a year ago to appear in the 3rd issue of B+A's (a lit mag) Literary Babes issues. I now fear that the mag is defunct since I have not heard from then since the beginning of the year. So now this short (my frist completed work) will grace the pages of another magazine...is that cursing myself? Will I never get it published now? I suppose that's what I get for submitting!

a*c at 11:37 a.m.

breakfast

is it gross to have hot dogs for breakfast?

a*c at 10:43 a.m.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

different strokes for different folks

i am constantly surprised by how different people are. I never realised how the people around me seem to be of the same cloth, we all may look different, act different, and sound different, but we are of the same school of thought (more or less). I just can't believe how narrow minded and judgemental some people are. I'm not proposing that I know it all, far from it. Sometimes my view points just don't mesh with that of other peoples. It seems to be the same type of person that I clash with; rigid, unimaginative people who don't even listen to what you have said before they begin to respond. They seem to be able to see all your bad points right away and are so quick to tell you how to do things. Who are you to judge what my mindset is and who are you to tell me what i'm doing is wrong (or my favourte: is unfair)? Open up your minds and hearts to give things a chance before you put all these rules and restrictions on it. that is how i operate and i am not going to apologize for it.

on another note, I was out for a walk this afternoon and I saw this little old asian lady sitting with this big handsome black man, my eye was drawn to them cos they looked like a old couple so i sat down one table away from them to eat my snack. they were just chatting about current events, about that family with the 7 kids that died in the fire. the woman was saying that 7 was not a big family, she had 11 kids! The man replied that he only had 2 but they felt like 11. they were too cute.

a*c at 4:50 p.m.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

there is no escape

ok i'm going to confess about the stupid douchebag things I did today. I got up and put on L+A heart mix and listened to it until i went downstairs to get my free McGriddle. The McGriddle, I was especially excited about because it reminds me of douchebag. Then while I ate the McGriddle I organized my photos and I spent way too long in the L+A section (I was trying to find a new song for the slideshow). After lunch I came home and decided to do some laundry that had been piling up. The only thing that remained of douchebag was the bedsheets. They had been sitting next to the washer for 2 months now and finally i gave it one last sniff and shoved it in the washer. this is the first time i've confessed how really sick i am and i am embarassed. anyway, as i close the lid on the washer i hear Mac ding, singnalling that i've recieved a new e-mail. and holy mofo, guess who it is? my beloved douchebag.

a*c at 2:55 p.m.

great minds think of McD's

So was almost to McD's and who do i see making a beeline for the counter? MILLA! We managed to get a quick dish session i before ordering and parting ways. It's funny that I saw her because when I was going down the secret passage i could smell her perfume and I figured I had just missed her. I was so happy when I saw her cos she could help me with the skill testing question, but they didn't even ask me! I'll get to the essay as soon as i finish the McGriddle.

a*c at 9:51 a.m.

procrastination vs. motivation

So i've been blog surfing still avoiding doing work. I will work soon, just need to make some breakfast, possibly KD. Oh damn I just remembered I have a free McGriddle! i'll be back...

a*c at 9:39 a.m.

Monday, November 08, 2004

babies babies babies

i am sure that babies have always been around. they have to be cos that's how we reproduce. but something is happening to me. something scary and creepy. i think my biological clock has started to tick...ever so quietly, but i still hear it. suddenly babies are everywhere. my cousin is having her second baby, milla and ruby's friend just had a baby boy, junky's little man is always cute and smiling. today when i got home from lunch there was baby massaging on tv. C just visted her friend is swizerland who is prego, two of my friends just had babies this past year or so. it's freak ass, suddenly babies are falling out of the sky and my body is yearning for one of it's own. i'm shocked to find out that biology is so strong. but the mind is stronger and knows that babies are a majorly bad idea!! no babies!

a*c at 11:40 p.m.

a date to remember?

or not. so the one year mark with douchebag came and went and i didn't even notice. I was on an awesome date, a weekend away with mr. dodgeball. who knew that it was possible to actually forget about him! I know things will never feel the same as it did with douchebag but at the same time there were so many things i was selling myself short of. So many things that i had forgotten were normal in a relationship. Now i've entered new territory. Just dating (so stop asking me when the wedding will be). what does just dating consist of? i've never been much for rules or convention...and my life now is what i've got to show for it. I'm not sure that I've been going at it correctly. Now is the time to try different methods.

so far with mr. dodgeball nothing has really gone on a 'proper' dating time line. so it's confusing, but really fun. i'm just not sure how to operate and i feel like the ball is in my court now. I'm so ready to second guess everything i'm doing because i don't want to follow old patterns. So far I have just taken a passenger seat to it all. I don't know what move to make next and I don't really want to do much cos things are good the way they are now. Just seeing him a few times a week. The biggest factor in my indecisiveness is him. Usually I get quite a good picture of how the other is feeling about me. With him...well he's as hard to read as me. One minute the interest meter is high, and the next it appears low. Now I know how annoying it is to date me. i'm not a fan of this passenger seat dating. I have a week to deivse a new method for he will be away due to Halo2 and a trip with his friends/fam.

the other dude, whom Junky and I have named Dr. Evil is still around, (the one that i had less interst in). due to some things he revealed to me in an e-mail yesterday I'm wary about seeing him again. I don't know how to finish things up there and I don't think just stop responding to his calls/emails/instant messages is the proper way to go. There needs to be a handbook for this grown up dating thing. Until then I shall continue to just pretend dr. evil doesn't exist anymore.

a*c at 4:14 p.m.

i'm only happy when it rains

I think I've got issues. I had a really great weekend and I can't seem to accept that it was great. I'm replaying it all in my head and trying to look for little things to burst my bubble. It seems that I'm only satisfied when there is drama. It makes sense that I crave candy (see Junky's craving post).

a*c at 3:47 a.m.

once again...

naps are dangerous. I was tired so I decided to take a 20 minute nap before The Simpsons. I didn't actually think I would fall asleep. When I woke up my i thought my cell phone said 10:40pm, so i sat up and got out of bed. When i turned on Mac I was even more confused, 1:42am? What? Is my bedroom a different time zone or was just really confused? I don't know. All I know is: naps are dangerous!

a*c at 2:42 a.m.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

cleaning house

So we have decided to shape up over here and the list of things to fix is really long. But before anything can be done, i need get an eyebrow wax, change to a darker hair colour for winter, and do my nails. First step to a new me, the grooming. Next: essay #1 and a job.

a*c at 2:44 p.m.

mtfbwy

Milla and I were sitting in the living room talking tonight and I went to grab for cigarettes. I almost started to rise to get my lighter from my purse and there was a loud bang. Milla and I looked at each other frightened, both of us expected an intruder. But instead it was just my purse it had fallen on the floor. Then I told Milla that I had just thought about the purse, and she said, "you have the force!". I successfully used the force to move my purse! I would say that productivity was high today.

a*c at 4:14 a.m.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

one year of love

i haven't updated in a while, i don't know what's been up. Ever since i've been 'set free', by changing my blog name, i've been so quiet. I have new boundaries and I don't know what to talk about, and don't know what I can/should talk about anymore. So i shall abuse my freedom and use this oppourtunity to talk about douchebag (stop rolling your eyes).

it's hard to believe that it's been nearly one year since I met him. It feels like eons. I'm sure everyone else can say the same because he's been the only thing I've been able to talk about since that one fateful november night. It's wierd, I've been doing okay, but now instead of constant pain it's sudden pain. When I see something that reminds me of him there is this dull ache. Or sometimes something just pops into my head. i take this as a sign that I've moved on to the next level.

with moving on to the next level comes new challenges. i'm trying to navigate dating again with all these new lessons i've learned. i've got to just ignore/close my eyes when i see, hear, smell, anything that reminds me of him (training my body not to react), and i've been moving on to not feeling bitter about it all. Sometimes when i have the little attacks I just smile and think of the good.

as for the dating, i don't know what to write about it here, but I should try to do so since it is juicy. i have never been big on writing about the dating on this blog, except really with douchebag (and mostly because i thought it was going to be forever). so i've meet some nice ppl, one in particular interests me. I always give this piece of advice (and recieve it), the best way to get over someone is to find someone else. I'm not sure if i'm testing the theory or what, but i'll let you know how it goes.

a*c at 2:56 a.m.

new blogger

hooray Ruby aka Alex has joined the blogsphere. Check out her blog and welcome her!

a*c at 2:48 a.m.

Shaun of the Dead

Managed to catch a showing of Shaun of the Dead tonight and it was hilarious!! It's like the tension free version of 28 Days Later. I really enjoyed it, the zombies were really secondary to Shaun and the shit going on in his life. I liked the social commentary on how people are like zombies, going off to work, watching tv, and other everyday things. It was a comedic take on if we were actually in a horror film. The ppl reacted like real ppl, just like we probabaly would if we were confronted by zombies. It was realistic, like when they didn't know how to use a gun and at the end, what did they do with zombies? Made them retail workers and reality tv contestants. My fave charachter, was Shaun's best friend. He wore a shirt that said I've Got Wood, spelled out in wood and reminded me most of myself. When they were trying to decide on where to go to hide from the zombies, he wants to make sure that it's some place that he can smoke.

a*c at 2:28 a.m.